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Internalized Homophobia: Why It Hurts and What You Can Do

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Some of you know that I grew up in south Georgia, which isn’t one of the most accepting states in terms of marriage equality. When you live in the middle of the Bible Belt for something like 19 years, it makes an impact on you, from your actions to the way you think. I know this firsthand.

Because of my background, it took me until high school to even consider that my sexuality might not be “normal” compared to those around me. It took even longer to admit it to the people I knew. And even now, when asked about my sexuality by new people, I hesitate a little. For a long time, I attributed this to my shy nature, but it was something far worse. I realize now that most of my hesitation and fear was because of internalized homophobia, which is ”the involuntary belief by lesbians and gay men that the homophobic lies, stereotypes, and myths about them…are true.”

I like to think I’m open-minded and accepting, and as a lesbian who has dealt with plenty of external homophobia from society and people I know, judging people for their identities is the last thing I would ever want to do. People should be able to love who they love without judgment, but I think it has become all too common for us to extend this thinking to those around us, but not toward ourselves.

When I’ve dated women, I’ve found myself hesitating to tell people I’m in a relationship with someone of the same sex, probably because of my southern, religious upbringing. It’s not that I don’t care about my SO, and I am proud to show my love. But there is always one part of my brain that seems to cringe away from calling attention to the thing that I was told was “wrong” and “sinful” from a young age.

Through media and misconceptions about liking women, so many people are raised believing in the “predatory lesbian” stereotype. And I can think of a couple instances where this did happen to me. I came out to friends who happened to be female and they suddenly didn’t want to have anything to do with me. That kind of rejection and homophobia hurts and can affect your self-esteem and your “relationship quality,” according to a study by David M. Frost and Ilan H. Meyer. Because of those experiences, combined with a southern conservative background, I was taught that my sexuality was something dangerous, something to be ashamed of.

Internalized homophobia can be hard to work past, even after you become aware of it within yourself. It takes a lot of validation from your own mind and from those around as well. It can take years to get over, and even then it doesn’t always completely go away. It’s hard to retrain parts of your brain that have been hardwired to hate your own sexuality.

It may sound cliche, but the best way to get over that internalized homophobia is self-love. Tell yourself one, two, even five times every day that you are valid, that you are normal, and that you aren’t weird for loving who you love.

Look in the mirror and smile as you say “I’m gay,” “I’m queer,” or “I’m a lesbian.” You will feel silly at first (trust me), but it’s good. Look your SO in the eyes and tell them you care, and that you’re proud to be their partner/boyfriend/girlfriend. They can benefit from that pride and validation too. Like I said, it might be cliche or silly, but loving and respecting yourself (like the snail here) is the first step to fighting that ingrained homophobia.

Once you start loving yourself, it becomes easier to ignore the voices (both internal and external) telling you that you’re not “normal.” Love is normal, so that means you are, no matter who you love.

Share the love with those around you, and help spread the word about this issue. We’d love it if you could give this and other articles a share on social media, so everyone in the LGBTQ+ community can hear our message.


Also published on Medium.

A 22-year old poet and writer, Summer is the voice for Tell It Like A Lesbian and the features editor for TravelPRIDE. She loves horror movies, rock climbing, and is trying to start an herb garden in her spare time.

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  1. Karva Chauth Vrat Katha in Hindi

    September 22, 2017 at 1:39 pm

    Hey very interesting blog!

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8 Homophobic Brands to Avoid

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Here at TravelPRIDE, our goal is total inclusivity and acceptance. Bigotry of all kinds is all too common, and we like to promote a message of love as much as possible. If you’re looking to do the same, knowing where not to spend your money is a great place to start. There are plenty of gay-friendly companies, but there are also plenty of homophobic ones. Boycotting these companies (not giving them your support/money) is the perfect start to ending hate.

Chick-fil-A

Plenty of LGBTQ people already avoid Chick-fil-A already (partly because the food is not great, but that’s my opinion) because of company president Dan Cathy’s open homophobia. According to Huffington Post, a report was published saying that as of 2010 the company had donated almost $2 million to anti-gay groups across the country. So if you want a chicken sandwich, I suggest going somewhere that’s open on Sundays.

Urban Outfitters

People are getting whiplash from Urban Outfitters’ stance on marriage equality. With a conservative chairman and recent push back for pulling a pro-gay-marriage shirt from its shelves, Urban Outfitters reportedly, according to an article from SFist, “donates 100 percent of its ‘Marriage Equality’ t-shirt sales to EQCA and NCLR,” which are two group leading the charge against the recent Supreme Court challenge on legalizing same-sex marriage.

With its history of flip-flopping on the gay marriage issue, it’s best to stay aware of Urban Outfitters’ current stance. They seem to be supportive now, but this could change as homophobia remains present across the United States.

Barilla

My little gay heart has been overjoyed at seeing gay couples featured in various advertisements. But according to Barilla’s chairman, you’ll never see this from the pasta company. In an interview with LGBTQNation, he went even further in his attack on the LGBTQ community, saying “I have no respect for adoption by gay families because this concerns a person who is not able to choose.”

So much for gaining more customers, Barilla. I think I’ll be buying generic from now on.

Exxon

This one will have you taking the bus to work from now on. With a history of eliminating domestic-partner benefits for same sex couples, according to an article on Queerty, you might want to reconsider that gas-guzzling car as your go-to mode of transportation. Taking the bus will not only take money away from big oil’s profits and homophobic practices, you’ll help the environment too.

Salvation Army (according to the same article from Queerty)

Between Salvation Army’s open homophobia and Goodwill’s exploitation of differently-abled employees, as revealed by Huffington Post, I’m at a loss as to where to donate my stuff. That being said, knowing that Salvation Army actively fights pro-gay-marriage legislation, I think I’ll be holding a lot more garage sales in the future, and you should too if you’re part of the LGBTQ community.

Purina

On the same Huffington Post list as Exxon and Salvation army, the Fancy Feast company refuses to provide benefits to same-sex couples. While they haven’t confessed anything more openly homophobic than this, partner benefits are still a huge deal and spending your dollars on other pet food brands might be a wise choice.

Boy Scouts of America

Surprise, surprise. A male-dominated group not supporting same-sex couples? Astonishing. This isn’t a company, per se, but the BSA relies on donations, and you can decide to support a better, more gay-friendly organization. While the Boy Scouts do allow openly gay males to join, it’s still taboo to be an openly-gay leader. It’s progress, but not nearly enough. If I were you, I’d donate to a worthier cause, such as the Girl Scouts of the USA, a group that is openly pro-gay and pro-choice

Cracker Barrell

While not at all shocking that a southern-themed restaurant wouldn’t support the LGBTQ community, it’s not exactly funny. In another Huffington Post article, it was reported that “In 1991, 11 employees were fired for not displaying ‘normal heterosexual values,’ as was prescribed by an intra-company memo.” The same article reports the company has been known to segregate its customers in restaurants. So add racism into the mix, and you get a company not looking good for any minority. So if you’re craving grits and biscuits, I’d recommend finding your favorite southern dishes elsewhere.

I think we all know that this list is far from complete. It would take weeks or maybe months to find and list every single company with anti-gay practices. If you want to help out your fellow readers, let us know in the comments what other companies you boycott because of their homophobic policies. We’d love your participation in adding to this list, so we can continue to fight hate wherever it appears.

Originally posted 2017-09-05 13:55:21.


Also published on Medium.

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Collaboration With Travel Bloggers Sarah and Rachel

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Travel bloggers, Sarah and Rachel, share their experience in Aruba:

We sat down on our couch in the middle of December not expecting to purchase plane tickets that evening. Upon scrolling through social media, my girlfriend Sarah found a flight deal from Chicago to Aruba (yes, the Caribbean island of Aruba) for only $250 round trip. If you do any traveling at all (ESPECIALLY to islands) you know that it’s really expensive to fly there and flying for a little more than $100 each way is amazing. We discussed it with our best friend, Callan, and ultimately decided to take the plunge, dip into our travel funds, and go for it. Thus…one of our favorite trips ever happened.

Aruba wasn’t ever a place we specifically sought out to go travel to. Perhaps sometime on a cruise we would stop by it, but we didn’t anticipate starting of 2017 sipping Heineken (Aruba is Dutch, so of course we had to have Heineken) on their beautiful white sand beaches. We had the typical week of touristy attractions, shopping, getting sunburnt, and laughing at us trying to drive in our TINY car (that also broke down in the middle of the national park – that was fun) through the winding streets in Aruba. They don’t have the same traffic laws in America and most of the time it’s a free-for-all. Pro-Tip: Parking is sometimes really picky on this island, so watch out for any signage!

Much of the trip was spent relaxing and if I had to tell you the last time we truly relaxed and didn’t have a worry on our mind, it was that trip. There’s something so peaceful about the ocean and being “stuck” on an island is a good way to ensure you have nothing else on your mind.

As mentioned before we explored Arikok National Park, where we ran over a rattlesnake with our car, saw the caves that have been there for ages, and saw the prettiest beach we’ve ever laid our eyes on. Since the island of Aruba is incredibly close to the coast of Venezuela, there’s a lot of history throughout the parks and beaches. If you’re lucky, you’ll even get the chance to see the flamingos on Flamingo Beach. We had to skip this, since it’s a private beach and you must buy day passes/stay at the local hotel for the chance to see them. There’s always next time, right?

Fort Lauderdale, Florida was the beginning and end of our island getaway. We loved exploring the little beach town and we enjoyed the best Caesars salad we’ve ever had in a small beach hut right by the ocean. Even if you can’t go all the way down to Aruba, Florida is packed with small beach towns that will steal your heart.

After our week long vacation, we finally landed back home in Chicago. Pro tip: don’t forget to put your car keys in a place where you’ll remember after being away. We had to open 3 of our huge suitcases in the middle of baggage claim to find them. *cringe*

Originally posted 2017-09-05 12:28:27.


Also published on Medium.

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Liberal Leader Takes a Stand Against Discrimination

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Disclaimer: I was not raised with any religious affiliation so I may be unintentionally offensive. I mean no offense to anyone who may be religious!

At this point, most of us are aware of the fact that people can’t help being born with a same-sex attraction. However, there are a select few who believe that being in the LGBTQ  spectrum is inherently and morally wrong and that having a same-sex attraction can be cured. Within this select few, there are some who believe that it is fine to discriminate against LGBTQ people because they do not fit their misguided religious narrative.  

“A state without the means of some change is without the means of its conservation”.

In both the US and Australia, the concept of religious freedom sounds good in theory. What’s wrong with practicing one’s religion? At base level, this does not harm anyone. There are people, though, who abuse this right and claim that discriminating against LGBTQ people is justified because LGBTQ people do not align with religion (although there are religious gay people…) An example of this is Texas’ proposed Senate Bill 522, which would allow county clerks to deny marriage licenses to LGBTQ people because same-sex marriage may go against the clerks’ religious beliefs. This is clearly a problem as LGBTQ people deserve the same rights as everyone else.

Luckily, people are fighting against this antiquated belief system and realizing that change is an inevitable part of life and it is better to be on the moral side of change. One such person is Nick Greiner, federal president of Australia’s Liberal party. Greiner urges both liberals and conservatives to support same-sex marriage as he believes that “great institutions evolve all the time.” This statement can be proven true by looking back in history, whether it be the advancement of LGBTQ rights or the ratification of the 19th Amendment. I am hopeful that Australia will soon achieve marriage equality but, of course, there are objections.

As an American, I can say that this is true and that the above video holds no merit, as since same-sex marriage became legal in the US, being gay/lesbian/bisexual/trans has not become “widespread and compulsory.”

This campaign was aimed at the Australian population to dissuade citizens from voting yes on marriage equality as the people in this video claims that it will damage religious freedom. This, of course, is not true as the United States achieved marriage equality and did not damage anyone’s right to religious freedom. In the words of Nick Greiner, “Any case for enhancing protection for religious freedom exists today and is not dependent on a change to marriage laws.” He also realizes that no negative consequences arose from the nationwide legalization of same-sex marriage.

“The experience in these countries has been that no one has become more gay, or less married, and the achievement of the reform has been a unifying moment for people across the political spectrum.” -Nick Greiner

Greiner also recognizes that in heavily religious countries like Spain, same-sex marriage has not taken away anyone’s freedom of religion. The argument that it does is inane because it is simply not true. The legalization of same-sex marriage in Australia will not take away anyone’s right to practice their religion, nor will it create an increase of LGBTQ people. Nick Greiner recognizes these facts and, hopefully, he will be able to lead Australia in the right direction and have same-sex marriage legalized across the country. By legalizing same-sex marriage, Australia can become a more cohesive nation and convince other countries to become frontrunners in the name of equality.   

“Together let’s celebrate the many achievements of this government and focus on the real challenges and opportunities our nation faces.”

 

Originally posted 2017-09-04 17:32:11.


Also published on Medium.

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