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Decoding Male Fragility

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The conundrum that is male toxicity and his narcissistic cousin fragility, do the most in destroying lives. The notorious duo symbolizes deep hurt and pain for others. For people embedded with the duo traits skewed wiring allows them to inflict abuse without remorse. Personality disorders and mental health are things we need to address. I don’t claim to know it all, but as a writer and social scientist, I see trends and patterns, and a deep need for dialogue and prevention.

Male Toxicity and Fragility Are Destroyers of Spirits and Lives

What I know to be fact, is that anyone can be victimized by male toxicity and fragility. Men with these issues do their best work when preying on women and children. When male toxicity and fragility hang out together, the goal is getting what they what, when they want it. If that means choking a woman out, so be it. When they’re on the scene women can count on being called out of their name, leered at, the recipient of unwanted advances including invitations to be sexed down, being raped if she’s not ”with it”, and general disrespect. If she chooses to ignore the signs she may end up a willing participant in a game of inter-partner violence and fighting for her life.

Inequality Is Real Deal Stuff

That’s real. Don’t expect anyone to feel sorry for your troubles either. The general consensus can come from men and women alike, who believe that the transgression, whatever it is, happened because of something a woman did or didn’t do. The way patriarchy is set up, men stick together on some tired ass notion that they rule. They think inequality is fine, and anyone pushing outside those restraints is the enemy.

They imagine that women should be doing something different, bigger and better perhaps, to keep him happy at all costs. If you disagree, you hate men. Even if you didn’t sweat a toxic male about the big things, small things, or anything at all, he’d still come for you. His ego is fed when he controls you. Resist that mess. Even when they say, he’s just being a man, after all. Male toxicity and fragility are currently the cause of death for half of Black women.

Women are Literally Dying At The Hands Of Male Toxicity

On June 21, 2017, report the Center for Prevention and Disease Control (CDC), shared information that states,“half of all female homicide victims experienced intimate partner violence, and that Black women die from that alone cause more than others. There are a lot of women killed by angry men.  Intimate partner violence reduces women to punching bags and a living hell where their survival eventually depends on eating abuse, in order to feed the egos of their abusers until they can flee.

How Many People Do You Know Caught Up In Abuse?

That scenario is between cis women and men, but know, that it can and does play out in queer communities as well. We know how married the queer community is to labels. With those labels come expectations which circle back, looking very hetero in nature. Part of male toxicity requires abusers to make it clear who is most dominant in the relationship. Somewhere scripture that requires men to be leaders of their households gets misinterpreted. The problem is not all men are willing or able to lead in fairness, and with respect. Hence the reasons for womanism and feminism. We’re equal baby, or we’re nothing at all.

The Fallout From Abuse Can Become Cyclical Affecting Generations

If male toxicity and fragility are responsible for the murders of queer and cis women, then all women need to know about self-worth, self-love, and self-defense. Children who see their mother’s being physically, emotionally, and verbally abused, often become victims of abuse later in life. Just as bad, they may become adults who abuse.  

Take Care Of Your Mental Health

I’m very concerned about and dedicated to raising awareness around mental health. When you experience abuse as most queers will at some point, it’s important to be aware of how living with the stress of being queer in a hetero world can wear on mental health. Trust when I tell you, being Black, Queer and Woman is becoming more dangerous every day as the current administration allows for all types of fuckery from people who dislike my whole person, and have never even met me.

Queering Straight Spaces – Bump The Haters!

I get eaten alive in comments on social media from men who measure my worth, deciding I have none when I proclaim my queerness.  They can’t fathom why I don’t have a man. As if my desire to work on me, instead of dating right now is somehow selfish. These men seem to think that they are God’s gift to the world, and maybe they could touch the hem of that realm if they’d lose the arrogance and learn how to engage women.

Trans women Face The Most Discrimination In Today’s Dating World

For trans women trying to date, the subject of late is disclosure. Should they disclose? Are they obligated to do so and at what stage of dating should they spill all? On July 23, 2016, Dwayna Hickerson, 21, fatally stabbed De Whigham, 25, 119 times when he learned she was not born a girl. He’s looking at 40 years without parole and another 15 years for going into Whigham’s purse and lifting her cell phone. Compliments of the Jacksonville, Mississippi legal system and his inability to simply walk away.

When Is It Safe For Trans women To Disclose?

I believe everyone has a right to know who they’re dealing with if sex is going to be involved. But, because male toxicity and fragility are so prevalent, it begs the question, when is a safe time for trans women to reveal she wasn’t born a girl? A fragile person is likely to react violently, regardless of when they’re told. There is a percentage of men in my social media circles who categorically say they would fuck a trans girl up for leading them on. They add if sex occurred she could expect to be choked out.

Other men said simply that it, “ain’t cool.” I think as a woman that the conversation bears more consideration. Women. Are. Dying.  Queer and Str8. That’s the realness of this twisted scenario that lets men think they have the right to control and diminish a woman, at their whim.  

Ladies, Protect Your Energy

It’s imperative that all women know how to protect their minds, hearts, and bodies from fragile ass male egos and men who hate them.  It’s up to women to do the work to figure out just who it is “you be”. Seriously, until you do, you will invite energy that includes the likes of male toxicity and his east side cousin, fragility. For trans girls who are finding your way, get yourself a good mentor. One who is compassionate, consistent, and cares about your well being. Use social media to connect with like minds. Take a break from it as needed, sometimes you need to escape the pure madness floating down your timeline.

Words For Toxic and Fragile Men

To the toxic and fragile men of the world, I hope that you deal with your demons. To live without compassion and respect for all that is woman is to be a soulless spirit. I’m sorry for your past hurts and wish you Godspeed in finding your way back. I prefer not to deal with that energy, but if I have to (we do live in a white supremacist world), I take aim with anyone who threatens my survival.

Words for Trans women

Trans women do need to understand that cis Black women have long suffered at the whims of cis men of all races. We have been dying. Find a gun class for women, by women, get a stun gun, take a self-defense class, do what you need to do to be as safe as possible. Sage advice, and what women do.

In order for allied relationships to form and work between trans, lesbian, and cis women, trans women should be at the table as women, but should come gracefully. Leave that, “I’ll take your man.” ish for the movies and House song lyrics.  For cis women, it’s enough to understand your story, without the switch being flipped and you entering with male privilege slipping through. Let’s be real, in a fair fight (without weapons) some trans women can hold their own against cis males if need be. So check your male privilege that still exists and will peep through as an embedded survival technique.

Words for Cis and Lesbian Women

At the same time, cis women you know the world is ever changing. Trans women love what you represent. The essence of woman is the sweetest and most wonderful thing on the planet. We’re warriors, every one of us. Trans sisters feel that energy, maybe get to know some new folk or at least become educated before throwing people under the bridge. For the haters know this, only someone with a fragile ego grounded in male or female toxicity (yes, some women are evil), is so wounded they can’t lovingly embrace the idea of women and what we bring to the world.  

Travel Advisory Issued

That women cis, lesbian, and trans face threats of violence on a daily, both from intimate partners and strangers in the street is abhorrent. So much so, that the Missouri NAACP  has issued a first ever travel advisory for Blacks, Queers, Women and other minorities.

Read: Anyone other than cis white men is at risk traveling to the “show me” state.  I take that as notice to be on alert wherever we are.

The bottom line is that we have to learn to co exist. Male toxicity and fragility have to be addressed with doable solutions so that murders of women stop and people are held accountable. Transphobia in our communities is a very real thing to those facing it. We can all do much better. Communication is key!

Originally posted 2017-08-11 12:26:33.

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One Step Forward, Two Steps Back: Trump’s Trans Military Ban

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The LGBTQ community has made significant progress in terms of equality. A person was not allowed to be openly gay in the US military until former president Obama repealed the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy in September of 2011. Gay men and women are now allowed to be out, proud, and active members of the military. Unfortunately, this is not the case for transgender individuals. On Wednesday, July 26, 2017, president Donald Trump tweeted that transgender people are not allowed to serve in the armed forces “in any capacity.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Images via goo.gl/mSw8hr

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How alarming! This is a clear violation of human rights and extremely detrimental to the fight for equality for the LGBTQ community. (We also have to appreciate the irony of the tweets considering that on July 26, 1948, former president Truman desegregated the military).

What Trump is basically saying is that allowing transgender people in the military would be a financial detriment. I’m assuming that he is referring to the cost of hormones for transgender people. What he doesn’t realize that the cost of hormones is significantly less than what the military is paying for medications such as Viagra. According to the United Press International, the US military spends ten times more on erectile dysfunction medication than transgender care. 

So, what does this mean? Well, it may mean any number of things:

  1. Trump has no idea what he’s talking about
  2. He’s pandering to the conservative right
  3. He’s transphobic

Who really knows? Whatever the reason, it is definitely a step back for equality. However, hope is not lost as many people are taking a stand against Trump’s ban. Celebrities such as Lady Gaga had some things to say about this ban.

 

 

 

Images via goo.gl/JmdNo2

 

Lady Gaga is not the only person fighting against Trump’s un-American ban. The Human Rights Campaign, or HRC, is fighting for the rights of transgender people, saying that the ban is an “all-out assault on service members” and that the ban would affect approximately 15,000 currently serving troops. This will clearly have a negative impact on the US military as it consists of millions of brave men and women who fight for the freedom of the American citizens and losing even one soldier due to bigotry can cause the military to weaken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The American Civil Liberties Union, or UCLA, is also fighting against Trump’s ban.

Image via goo.gl/RxN1n9

 

 

 

 

 

Don’t give up hope! This ban is definitely a step in the wrong direction and it hopefully won’t spiral into something even more horrible which is why it is very important that we speak out against this hateful action. Voice your outrage anywhere where your voice can be heard and stand with the transgender community during this trying time, use the hashtag #protecttranstroops on Twitter, repeat the maxim “trans people are not a burden,” and fight for what is right. It may not be easy but as long as we fight, the rights of transgender individuals can and will be protected.

 

 

 

 

 

Originally posted 2017-07-28 21:19:21.


Also published on Medium.

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48 Hours In...

48 Hours in Mexico City

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Mexico City is a sprawling metropolis full of color and culture. You could easily spend a month there and still not get to see and experience everything the city has to offer. If you only have a weekend, you can get a taste of Mexico City’s delights, but be warned – you will probably be booking your next trip as soon as you arrive home.

With more museums than any other city in the world, amazing architecture, a scintillating LGBTQ scene, delicious street food and many other attractions, Mexico City is one of the most exciting cities on the planet.

Getting There

Juarez International Airport is located eight miles from Mexico City. If you arrive late at night, it is advisable to take an official taxi to the downtown area. During the day, the metro is a good alternative.

Getting Around

Mexico City’s metro system is extensive and one of the cheapest underground systems in the world. Having said that, it isn’t the most comfortable of transport options during rush hour. Taxis are cheap, but make sure you take one from the official sitio taxi stands or use Uber.

Day One

Start the day with Huevos Rancheros, a classic Mexican breakfast – tortillas, fried eggs, salsa and refried beans. Try Café El Popular (5 de Mayo esq Palmas, just off the Zocalo). It’s a popular spot for both locals and tourists and has a diner-style ambiance.

After a hearty breakfast, head to the charming neighbourhood of Coyoacan. The number one attraction here is La Casa Azul, Frida Kahlo’s house, which has now been turned into a museum. It provides a fascinating insight into the life of artist Frida and her husband Diego Rivera. www.museofridakahlo.org.mx

The garden in La Casa Azul

Afterwards, you could head around the corner to the house where the exiled Leon Trotsky lived the last year of his life. It was there that he was murdered by an assassin in his study. In contrast to Frida’s colorful abode, it is an austere house which has been changed little since Trotsky lived there, but is an intriguing slice of political history.

Coyoacan Plaza is a great place to sample some tasty street food. At weekends, it is particularly lively with food and handicraft stalls. There is often live music, adding to the festive atmosphere. It feels like small town Mexico in the heart of the big city.

Back in Centro Historico, take a stroll around the huge main plaza, the Zocalo, the second largest public square in the world after Russia’s Red Square. There are plenty of museums, shops and cool street art to explore in the surrounding areas.

La Catrina, the iconic skeleton lady

El Balcon del Zocalo is a perfect place for dinner. The restaurant has a rooftop terrace, bestowed with spectacular views of the cathedral and Zocalo. It has an international, Mexican and veggie friendly menu. www.balcondelzocalo.com

For a taste of Mexican style nightlife, head to Calle Amberes at Paseo de la Reforma in Zona Rosa. This area is the hub of the LGBTQ scene in Mexico City. Have a wander and take your pick of the many bars and clubs that line the street.

Day Two

Pasteleria Ideal (Calle 16 de Septiembre 18, Col. Centro) could be the largest and most heavenly bakery you have ever seen. The choice of baked goods, both sweet and savory, are a feast for the eyes and as the name suggests, is an ideal place to grab some pastries. With breakfast and coffee in hand, make tracks to Alameda Park and find a bench to sit to enjoy your first meal of the day and partake in a spot of people-watching. You can’t miss the opulent architecture of Palacio de Belles Artes, the grandest building in Mexico City.

Just across the road (Calle Revillagigedo 11, Cuauhtemoc), check out the Popular Art Museum. Housed in an ex-fire station, this contemporary museum is full of colorful Mexican folk art. It’s fun and quirky and the exhibits range from Day of the Dead skulls and skeletons to vibrant piñatas. www.map.cdmx.gob.mx

Museum of Popular Art – fun and quirky

La Ciudadela is an artisan market (Calle de Balderas, s/m Centro, 06040 Cuauhtemoc). It specializes in Mexican handicrafts from 0axacan fantasy animals to beautifully decorated skulls. Prices are reasonable and you are bound to find something that catches your eye.

Even if you have never considered attending a wrestling match before, lucha libre is a unique Mexican experience and not-to-be-missed. (Arena Mexico,189 Calle Dr. Lavista, Colonia Doctores).  Regular sessions are held on Tuesday and Friday evenings and Sunday afternoons. The atmosphere is electric and whole families attend shouting abuse at the bad guys and cheering for their heroes.  

Round off your time in Mexico City with some tequila shots and mariachi music at a bar on Plaza Garibaldi. The haunting sound of roving mariachi bands echo around the square, as you reflect on two action-packed days in this amazing city.

Tequila shots at the ready!

 

Originally posted 2017-07-29 11:22:36.

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Love It, Leave It: The Portland, OR Edition

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Back to the Pacific NW, a not-so-secret favorite destination of mine. It very well could be that I’m just all jazzed up off of increased oxygen levels (man, they have a lot of trees), but I swear that everything tastes better out there. I constantly imagine tiny gnomes in tweed hats and hemp-based sweaters pulling out the freshest, organic vegetables from the depths of the soil. Albeit slightly far-fetched, this fictional scene will hopefully help you imagine just how epic the Portland food landscape is. But, there are two things (that just so coincidentally happen to be my favorite) we should focus on for now: brews and doughnuts.

Love It: Breakside Brewery. Blue Star Donuts.

(Photo credit: Erin Oliveri)

Breakside Brewery: With two locations in this quirky town, Breakside is a hipster mecca churning out solid craft brews and hearty, standout dishes. The newest spot in Slabtown (what a weird, yet endearing Portland name) is a boisterous, bi-level warehouse, that was jam packed on a Sunday afternoon. While most were throwing back some pints (most likely IPAs, since the list is bursting with them), plenty came just for the food. The brewery sources organic seasonal produce and meats; and while menus at breweries are often there solely to help combat hours of drinking, this one is a solid partner, justly accompanying the top-notch beers. The Bavarian pretzel is one of epic proportions — a woman from the table over asked if she could come over just for a photo. And, the fried chicken biscuit sandwich was gone so fast from my plate…but also from the menu since it’s only served from “3 p.m. ‘til gone.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blue Star Donuts: A hotly debated topic in Portland just so happens to be one near and dear to my heart (and stomach): doughnuts. I was told by locals on my first visit that these are the “grown up” doughnuts. I agreed once I took a spin around the BSD website — wooing me with phrases like “brioche recipe,” “cage-free eggs” and “the dough takes 18 hours to make.” Well, I wanted all of that, immediately. And what a coincidence, there’s one just a few minutes away from Breakside Brewery. I’d advise snagging a maple bacon or blueberry bourbon basil — or any beautifully baked ring ‘cause they’re so delicious — and sample en route to your future beer tasting. Carbs are your friends.

Leave It: Rogue Distillery and Public House

It’s not without a sad face emoji that this Rogue outpost turned out to be a big miss for me. Back east, I’ve drunk everything from the classic Dead Guy Ale to offbeat collabs with Blue Star rival, Voodoo Doughnuts. The core of Rogue was present, with plenty of beers on tap to sample, but the ambiance was non-existent and the menu was stacked with uninspired bar food. My original excitement for the poutine shortly faded after just a few bland bites. I’d say if you’re looking for the true Rogue experience and you just so happen to be headed toward the Oregon Coast, the original Public House (originally the Bayfront Brewery) and a newer, bi-level brewpub are nestled in the quaint coastal town of Newport. These locales may serve for a more authentically ‘Rogue’ experience.

Originally posted 2017-07-26 18:18:16.

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